When the Waters Rise

IMG_1003When the storm comes and settles upon you.  In very literal terms right now we have some flooding.  Nothing like the flood of May 2010 which I wrote about just a few posts ago, but we do have some flooding going on.  Generally speaking, flooding comes from too much rain too quickly.  The murky water just keeps rising and rising.

In less literal terms, I can relate emotionally.  I feel murky water rising within me.  I question who I am all over again.  What is my purpose?  Perhaps I don’t question who I am as much as I once did, because I know Whose I am.  I question if I have the strength and resolve to follow through with it.  Can I keep going when the world is telling me “no”?  Can I keep believing when I don’t feel worthy?

Going back to the first paragraph, “flooding comes from too much rain too quickly.”  Perhaps that is it.  I have had to much “rain” in my life too quickly.  It has rattled me; doubt rises in me like the flood waters from the river.  Usually in check within its banks, but today overflowing and spilling into all areas of my life.  Am I a good mother?  Am I a writer?  Am I an artist?  Do I minister to others?  Am I worthy of such pursuits?  Can I do such things when I feel like my personal life falls apart from time to time?  Who am I to think I should do such things?  Do I have the strength to give to these areas in my life?

leave-it-to-beaver-1980Honestly, I want to retreat to where it is safe.  I want to be a wife and mother and not worry my “pretty little head” about such things.  To live in simplicity and not rock the boat.

Some days, I want to be more like June Cleaver and less like Beth Moore.  Today is one of those days.

We all question ourselves from time to time, but currently doubt has risen and flooded into me and it has settled.

What do you do when the waters rise and you fill with doubt?

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About Holly D Russell

mom of four wonderful girls mom of faith

Posted on January 14, 2013, in bipolar/depression, God and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. My dear Holly, I find myself in the rising, flood waters so often. Asking the same questions, sharing the same doubts, wishing the same things. When it happens, I journal, I pray, I go to God’s Word and I ask the Lord for confirmation or affirmation from others. And, just when I am tempted to give up and throw in the towel, it happens. A comment on a blog post, a word of affirmation from someone at church on Sunday or an email, a phone call or a divine appointment.

    You my friend, are one of those precious divine appointments. I thank God for you, for the opportunity to know you better as an amazing woman, wife and mother through facebook, and for the blessing of being encouraged by your writing, your vulnerability, and your timely and helpful messages.

    I pray the waters (outside and inside) will receded quickly, that you will find solid ground and sure footing, as you press forward in faith as a woman, wife, mother, writer and friend!

    Love an blessings to you!
    Cathy

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