Sweet Surrender

Over the weekend I went to a Women’s retreat at my church.  Overall, it was a positive experience.  Usually retreats are a time to replenish your soul.  I, however, did good just to sit through it and not bolt out of the door.

Everyone was seated at round tables.  A couple of women were leading us in praise and worship.  They promised the room we were in was a “safe place.”  I wasn’t sure if I bought that.  I sat there staring at the vibrant yellow paper that had been taped over the top as a make-shift tablecloth.  There were words of encouragement written across it.  A bucket of chocolate sat in the middle. The truth is I felt very unsafe.  I felt very unsure of who I was, my place in the church, and if I would be accepted by my peers.  I wanted to go home to my own bed where I knew I would be safe and not judged, where I knew I would not have to wonder, “what is wrong with me?”  It was overwhelming social anxiety.  These feeling came from a mixture of places.  Because of my extreme anxiety, I was not able to enjoy worshiping.  I kept looking at the door.  I would look down at my purse and mentally plan my escape route.

As I sat there making my escape plan, I also sat there thinking about being a servant to everyone there.  I know intellectually that everyone struggles with the very emotions I was struggling with.  –Not being accepted and fear of rejection.  I decided it was my mission to quit focusing on myself and to make others feel as welcome and wanted as I possibly could, considering my own level of insecurity.

I began to take notes and doodle my thoughts out on a note pad that was provided to us.  At some point I doodled out, IMG_9375


“Let it go and begin the rest of your story.”

To begin again is a refreshing thought.  Just start trying.  As the retreat came to a close I doodled out, “Let Go and let God take Control.”  But I still wanted to fix things.

I was still focusing on the things I had written down the previous couple of days during church on Sunday.  Then we sang, “I Surrender All.”  That was all I needed.  It was the reminder I needed.  In the A.A. program you are taught to surrender as part of the first three steps.  Peace swept over me.  I did not have to worry about this!  If God wants me involved in something, it will happen.  Wheels will turn.  I don’t have to make things happen.  Once again, I am reminded of what a control freak I am.  I have a great deal of growing to do and learning to speak up.  I don’t have to be in control of making things happen, I just have to relinquish myself to allow them to happen.  In the meantime, I just need to work on my own growth.

Sweet Surrender; Blessed Peace.

About Holly D Russell

mom of four wonderful girls mom of faith

Posted on April 20, 2015, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I remember meeting you at a conference. You were very kind to me, and I enjoyed getting to you! Thank you for being my friend! Thank you for sharing your heart! ❤️

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